We also had the best hats, natch!
Sir Keats, 20/12/02
Always keen to try new forms of exercise, your editor was pleased to accept a friendly invitation to attend the Cygnet/BBLRC Thursday circuits session held in a nearby school gymnasium (meet at the club at 19:00). Here's what I now know...
- Never do a 5k erg prior to circuits. Never, never, never.
- Helen needs to shave under her arms on a Thursday morning.
- Mark Wilson never does the same stretches as anybody else. This is because he went to a "good college".
- Sometimes you will hear a beeping noise and think that it is time to change stations. It isn't. The noise you can hear is Neil Jackson's HRM shocking him back to life.
- You must always wait for Simon to say "change". See above.
- Neil and Chris are slowly morphing into a small, two-man Borg collective. This is most apparent when watching them doing step-ups whilst wearing the same one-piece.
- There are some quite pleasant female bum/leg combinations on display (if you know where to look).
- In the highly-charged, testostorone-fuelled atmosphere of Thursday night circuits it is ultra important not to give advice on poor technique to other oarsmen as this may cause offence/fights.
- Cruelty is squat jumps followed by burpees followed by squat thrusts.
- The run back to the club afterwards should come with a health warning.
I shall, it goes without saying, never be going again!
After circuits, fully 25 Cygnet and BBLRC members attended an Xmas beer and pizza night in Pizza Express, Barnes. Much fun was had by all and I believe there may even be some photos on the way?
At the meal, your webmaster was presented with a magnum of champagne as a thank-you for all the work he has done on the website over the past 12 months. Although he was a little tongue-tied and rather embarassed (he is a computer geek who finds it very hard to communicate with real people, preferring instead the company of his Linux server) I have it on good authority that he was very touched.
Pre-Waddle, 11/12/02
If any of you were unaware of the lengths we at Cygnet go to to ensure everybody has a nice time then let me put you straight.
A small, covert team of (suspend disbelief now) elite Cygnet oarsmen met up yesterday to plan the forthcoming pre-BBLRC Xmas Ball Waddle. Medium Mike, TPC, GoldaMan, Geordie and Sheridan all met in Shoeless Joe's on Dover Street at 19:00 and went to work. See our exhaustive reviews below...
- Shoeless Joe's
- Babble
- The Running Footman
- The Red Lion - here's Harbottle's entry
- The Kings Arms - here's Harbottle's entry
- Ye Grapes - here's Harbottle's entry
- The Sam Pepys - here's Harbottle's entry
- Henry's
Based on these scrupulous notes we decided that the Waddle will consist of the following (all lovely pubs with proper beer and subdued music)...
- 17:00 to 17:30 - The Kings Arms, Shepherds Market
- 17:30 to 18:00 - Ye Grapes, Shepherds Market
- 18:05 to 18:35 - The Red Lion, Waverton Street
- 18:40 to 19:10 - The Running Footman, Charles Street
Special thanks must go to Geordie who had obviously spent all afternoon at work poring over Harbottle's Pub Guide and came equipped with a beautifully rendered map. Has he got a job? Mind you, have I?
Is There Such A Thing As Bad Head, 10/12/02
Sunday saw intrepid eights from Cygnet and BBLRC head into the sticks to get their nuts (where applicable) frozen off at Wallingford. Looking around the car park before boating should have given us an indication of what we were up against. Students mainly. We hate students.
Anyway, nuts were partially thawed during what actually wasn't a bad row against a very fast stream. The Cygnet senior 3 eight came 12th out of 17 which doesn't sound fantastic, but there weren't many low performance clubs on display. The BBLRC senior 3 eight came 6th out of 8.
Once our nuts had completely thawed most of the eight returned to the boathouse for the annual Christmas lunch. A packed bar, firkin of Pride and briefly smoking kitchen made for a festive atmosphere in which active, not so active and completely inactive oarsmen swapped several generations worth of bullshit. Much fun was had by all. We suspect there's a 300 club fiddle going on somewhere (Alan?) - I've more chance of winning the bloody lottery - but have yet to prove it.
Hard core drinkers toddled over to the first mince pie/mulled wine event of the season. This one hosted by Damo, Tan and their WaterRower (tm). People came and went in a warm, mulled haze and your webmaster enjoyed a blurry view of procedings from the comfy vantage of the new, light beige, sofa. Hint - I'd sue the Arthurs. Things got a little confused later in the evening, and I keep getting flashes of wensleydale, truffles and red dental floss knickers. What could it all mean?
To top it all, BBLRC's naive new webmistress nearly got fooled into giving your webmaster the connection details to the BBLRC website. Fortunately (for them) more sensible heads prevailed - oh the havoc I could have wraught!
Captain Loses Cool, 07/12/02
The following email was circulated to all active oarsmen late last week by He Who Must Be Obeyed...
Based on the attendance at circuit training last night this is the likely crew for the first 8 in the 8's head:
Me
Golder
My brother
Simon Keogh's daughter - Sancia
Marjorie
Solomon
Jackie Sims
Simon French
Apart from Mark W, Simon Blackburn and Ian Stephenson who provided excuses no one else who hopes to row in the 8's head of the river should be missing the circuit training at the moment. It is a crucial part of our overall training programme and we all like to stand around the bar and talk about coming in the top 100 but we are not currently putting in the effort that will help us to achieve this.
On the build up to Christmas with more and more piss ups on the agenda, please try and make the effort to keep the fitness levels up.
I would hope to see the following people turning up frequently at either weight training, circuit training or both on the build up to the 8's head and the regatta season as all these people are potentials for either the first or second 8's:
[List of saddos removed - ed.]
Please note that there are only 16 seats but 20 people. See you all on the river on Saturday or at weights next Monday.
...before we make the obvious gag w/re to that not sounding like a bad eight at all, why don't we play a little game. Why don't you try and match the response to said email (below) with the active oarsman who sent it. Those who get it right may win a prize - hint, he's an enormous arse-licker who is trying to divert our attention from the fact that he wasn't at circuits just like the rest of us...
Wednesday night was even worse, solo attendance from me...not much fun.
John Webb's response made me smile - "I was in the Eagle on Northcote Road, drinking Guinness. This was followed up by a late night Chicken Dhansak and a glass of dodgy blended whiskey. I couldn't even be arsed to make the short walk home, so I called a cab. My arteries are clogged, I'm carrying 2 or 3 stone of excess blubber, have a belly large enough to make 'frontstops' a distant memory and I haven't been in a boat for at least six months. Have I blown my chance of a seat in 8s head too?" - sounds like he's following a similar regime to your Webmaster.
As did Chris Davidson's - "Obviously there needs to be a review of the email list to remove all fat useless b..stards from it. I will do this asap between training and helping the club." - which needs some clarification. When does he help the club, and aren't we ALL fat useless bastards?
By the way, if anyone needs to contact me I can usually be found talking about coming in the top 100 of the HoRR on Thursday nights in the club bar.
Loneliness of the Long Distance Sculler, 03/12/02
Well done to Nathan Wallace, Cygnet's only entry in last Saturday's Scullers Head.
Five Kay, 01/12/02
The day started "mostly cloudy" for those poor saps...erm...oarsmen, no...saps at Cygnet who actually heeded the Captain's call to erg on Saturday morning.
Those that bothered to turn up (all 12 of us) were treated to a virtuoso display of erg technique. Splayed legs, tapping up, rowing short with an alarmingly curved spine and facial gurning seemed to be he order of the day - and that was just the Captain.
Well done to all. Everybody completed the test (some with an alarming number of helpers) and we've all received (and agreed to) a realistic target for the start of the regatta season. All we have to do now is...erm...what's it called...erm...oh yes..."train".
Spooning, 28/11/02
Always in favour of healthy debate, your editor has taken twisted delight in monitoring the recent furore over the purchase of teaspoons at your favourite high performance rowing club.
No ordinary spoons these, they appeared on eBay out of the blue and a certain administrator at the Tideway Slug (which we like) contacted yours truly shortly after they were first sighted. SixPackSteve (the mysterious spoon seller, who could he be) writes...
THREE SILVER & ENAMEL ROWING CLUB SPOONS, EACH 13cms IN LENGTH AND WEIGHING 24 grammes. ALL THREE BEAR A STERLING SILVER HALLMARK FOR BIRMINGHAM AND THE MAKERS MARK FOR AC CO LTD. THEY ALSO BEAR THE DATE MARK FOR 1924, 1925 AND 1926 RESPECTIVELY. THE ENAMEL CREST IS OF THE CYGNET ROWING CLUB AND DEPICTS A SWAN WITH CROSSED OARS. THEY ARE ALL IN EXCELLENT CONDITION, WITH NO DAMAGE TO THE ENAMEL. BUYER TO PAY ALL SHIPPING COSTS (£4 TO THE UK INC INS) PACKAGING FREE. SHIPPING COSTS TO THE REST OF THE WORLD ON APPLICATION.
The whole furore seemed to centre around whether we should buy the spoons (for historical reasons) or build a sculling shed/torture chamber. With a reserve price of £30 and (currently) zero bids, your editor can't help wondering where some of us thought we were going to get the shed from? Matchbox maybe?
Arguments should only be started when there's something to argue about. There's a rule to live your life by!
Australi...hic...a, 17/11/02
After a few rag-tag and bobtail outings on Saturday morning a core of Cygnet Oarsmen could be found huddled menacingly around a large flat-screen (when did that happen) TV in Ye Olde White Hart. Apparently there was some kind of rugly [sic.] game on. TPC (resplendant in green and gold) gave a thin and reedy rendering of some antipodean ditty before Fortress Twickenham (tm) let roar (with a helping hand from Bose).
A nailbiting fixture saw England triumphant. A slightly twisted Australian spent most of the rest of the day muttering "one point" but we say "a win's a win" and "a winner's a grinner" and (toward the end of the evening) "just f**k off Chris".
The bright lights of Hammersmith beckoned and half a dozen Cygnet revellers spent a happy few hours in a random pub with what looked like a lot of schoolchildren. Have they lowered the drinking age recently? TPC left in a huff.
Offensive World Records, 22/10/02
ZITS: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch. Exactly 3 years later Steve Keating of Mortlake, England squeezed a zit in the mens toilets and broke a mirror.
WORST DRINK: The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac. This pales into insignificance when compared to the Water Melon Bacardi Breezer frequently sold from the Civil Service Boathouse bar to unsuspecting visiting crews by David Grimshaw of Mortlake, England.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL: This is available from a few select bars in New York, contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C**t Pump'. Hah we say, have a Heidi Baker/Sarah Gardiner "Special" at one the frequent Boathouse Cocktail Parties and watch your own brain melt as your eyes roll backwards in their sockets. That's pretty offensive.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN: Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. Rubbish. On 15th August 1999 Iain Golder of Basildon, England produced a small "bullet" of semen which achieved tent escape velocity at Oxford Royal Regatta. Intense calculation (using a Millets Poncho II tent - with integral flysheet) have allowed us to estimate an approximate escape velocity of 86.3mph. If unchecked it is believed this "outburst" would have travelled around 63 feet and still had enough energy to smash a small window.
LONGEST TURD: The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state. On the 23rd March 2002 (after the HoRR) Alan Cox was called to attend trap #2 in the mens toilets at the boathouse after a report was received of a blockage. Two and a half hours later he emerged having dealt with a 14ft 3in turd. The culprit remains anonymous.
MOST PROLONGED FART: Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds. Steve Dargan late of Barnes, England. Every day. 'Nuff said.
Do Some Work, 09/10/02
Today, Wednesday October 9th 2002, our website stormed through the 10,000 hits barrier. With an average of well over 20 hits a day, do we have the most active London region Civil Service mens rowing club website? You decide...
...a bottle of bubbly for the webmaster perhaps? Lobby your nearest committee member (cough) soon.
Arcade Fun, 24/09/02
The graphics may be a bit clunky, but here's a game you can play on your erg's PMT interface to keep you amused during those loooonnnnngggggg winter sessions...
- Get on your favourite erg (second from the traps is mine);
- Decide how long you will erg and what you're average split will be. Then calculate roughly how far you will go in metres;
- Don't touch your PMT, simply start rowing. It should spring into life with both time and meters counting up, and your average split for each stroke in the middle;
- Keep rowing maintaining your average split for the duration of your time but no longer;
- Stop rowing, the erg will continue to count up;
- You WIN if the erg comes to a stop on the exact metres you calculated above. Otherwise you LOSE.
So for example: I want to do 40 minutes at a 1:50 split so I decide to aim for 10,900. I row at a steady 1:50 until I've done 39 minutes and 59 seconds. I then put the handle down and wait for the erg to rest and........10,906 metres........damn - 6 out.
The most mathematically pleasing is 11,111 in 40 minutes. Have a go if you think you're hard enough!
Normal, 24/09/02
Normal service has been resumed after the website was disabled for a month.
Well Obviously, 08/08/02
Medium Mike Collier, one of "Britain's most eligible and handsome single men" was gratified to see that all his time being single, successful, intelligent and sociable had not been wasted when he recieved the following email from Granada Television...
I am getting in touch from Granada TV and I hope you will be able to help me, it is a bit of a strange request! I am currently working on a new series and we are looking for Britain's most eligible handsome single men, who would be interested in taking part in one of the biggest prime time shows of this year. The programme is going to be very aspirational and the chosen man will be taken on dates to exotic locations and will have the opportunity to take his pick of some of the country's most desirable single women. We are looking for someone who is single, successful, intelligent and sociable, which is why I am contacting you. To take part, applicants must be aged around 25-40 and single. Anyone who is interested or who would like more information can contact me on 020 7737 8315 or email Katharine.Round@granadamedia.com. Thank you very much for all your help. Best wishes Katharine Round Associate Producer Mr Right London Television Centre London SE1 9LT Direct Line: 020 7737 8315
Tent Sex Safari, 04/08/02
Those of you attending weekend regattas and finding that you have some spare time between the bar shutting and the naked rowing starting could do worse than go on a short Tent Sex Safari. It's very simple. Picking a nearby cluster of tents begin to make your way slowly between them (watch out for guy ropes) listening for any signs of sexual intercourse. Once located, sit perfectly still and try to imagine a David Attenborough voiceover. Which animal would he be describing based on the sounds you can hear? Mark it on a piece of paper and move on.
As with a Kenyan Safari there are a "Big Six" to see. A successful Tent Sex Safari would include Cheetah (very fast very heavy breathing but only for about 20 seconds); Hyena (doggy style accompanied by maniacal laughing); Lion (fast low grunting - see Mark Wilson for details); Elephant (slurpy noises with lots of rustling and nose blowing); Wart Hog (trying too hard as rather unattractive); Wildebeest (the most common sighting at a regatta - a bit thick so lots of "oops sorry" and "that's never happened before").
It's all to easy to become the hunter rather than the hunted at away regattas, but please take care. You wouldn't want to get a dose of Hyrax.
Gigolo, 04/08/02
Medium Mike would like it to be known that a he now offers a discrete gigolo service to female rowers in the metropolitan. His comprehensive service includes pick-up at a venue of your choice followed by a leisurely stroll through historic London with scintillating and complex conversation. Dinner may include (for example) Poulet Flambe with a Champignon Risotto and Salade de Tomate Basil followed by Cake de Fromage and Coffee. LIMITLESS wine is included in the price. A taxi home can be ordered as an optional extra, but you must provide your own plastic vomit bucket.
Price on application.
St. Neots, 29/07/02
Last weekend saw the annual Cygnet/BBLRC pot-hunting pilgrimage to St. Neots. After last years clean sweep by BBLRC it was time for Cygnet to show the way. TPC writes...
On arrival at St Neots on Friday night, TP Chris showed that not all Australians are good at outdoor activities. Having purchased Neil's old tent he didn't see the need to try putting it up beforehand in the light and thought he would wait until after dark in St. Neots for his first attempt. He failed. However, at least Chris's tent was not packed away soaking wet and mouldy from Peterborough Regatta many months ago, like a certain BBLRC vice captain who shall remain nameless.
The Saturday morning (unfortunately) saw the S3 eight beaten by Lea and their 11 year old cox with his mandatory sand bags. The comments by Stroke and 7 at the start telling the cox to shut up were perhaps distracting.
Cygnet tent city was a merry place, King Nathan surveyed from his throne while Ruth, Tina and T from BBLRC held court, keeping the conversation focused mainly on men. They also debated the value of keeping tissues beside the bed although most of the men present preferred the "leave it to set and peel it off in the morning" approach.
Geordie slipped away unseen ito "sleep" followed (suspiciously) by Chris. Cries of Shandyman were directed at TPC for the rest of the weekend as he didn't rise again until the next morning. Geordie was seen later that evening (having risen several times) and subsequently resumed festivities feeling refreshed.
Meanwhile King Nathan is reported to have grabbed a few winks in the St Neots boat house before returning to the bank and barking a challenge to the assembled throng - "I bet I can swim across this river faster then anyone here, mate" (best done with a slurred NZ accent). Eric (who has a degree and should know better) took up the challenge. Inevitably this lead to, well erm, naked rowing. Nathan, Eric, Gavin and Patrick dropped all their kit to go for a paddle in the early hours of the morning. Sarah (fully attired) took care of their cocks' requirements. Our absent Captain will be pleased to hear that Helen kept her kit on (for once).
King Nathan (who hates to see waste) returned late to base camp with the intention of motivating everyone to finish the rest of the BBQ. Profanity and abuse erupted from sleepy tents as he stumbled through camp offering a taste of his sausage to anyone interested. Heidi (who is very tall and is good at slicing liver) responded with a "would you kiss your mother with that mouth". Eric (who is very clever as he has attended a university) said "go to bed you Kiwi git" and even Nathan's long-suffering girlfriend could be heard muttering "f**k off". Muffled comments of "lower", "there" and "that's it" from Geordie's tent may have been unrelated.
Sunday, surprisingly, was very subdued - apart from the 10 Cygnet pots!
Fascinating, 13/07/02
If you would like to (very) accurately predict your time for a 2k piece without actually doing it you can use the following formula...
for a 20 minute piece, your predicted 2,000m time (in seconds) is 2,232,000 divided by the distance in metres that you've covered
...with the only obvious downside being that you now have to do a 20 minute piece instead.
TPC at Henley, 05/07/02
Who could believe that it was only 3 months ago that a down-at-heel Australian washed up on our God-Fearing shores without even the price of a cup of tea in his pocket. But he had a dream. Boy, did he have a dream.
Taking pity on him (or perhaps a fancy to him) BBLRC's novice captain took him under her wing and helped him find work and accomodation and set him on his way to fulfilling that dream.
Working dilligently and quietly the Australian strove and strove to fulfill the dream. Only he and his silver haired mother back home in Oz knowing what he was doing.
But then the Australian attended the spring Cygnet sculling camp and all was lost. There he sat, in the glow of a warm fire, snuggled up under a blanket with several members of BBLRC. The intoxicating smell of firm, lightly perspiring lady rowers [stop it - ed.] mingled with the more than several bottles of Killer-Piss(tm) in his belly all became too much. He could hold it in no longer. He blurted...
"IN THREE MONTHS I'M GOING TO BE TECHNICALLY F*****G PERFECT YOU POMMIE LOSERS"...
...well Chris, you ain't, but it's been great watching you try.
To commemorate the three months being up and Chris NOT being technically perfect a t-shirt was printed with the following design and presented to Chris at Henley Royal where (we can only hope) he watched and learned, but suspect that he didn't and drank.
Row 'Arder, 21/06/02
Want to get fit to row? Well, it hurts.
The Luck of the Irish, 21/06/02
This fella certainly knows how to celebrate. Thank God they didn't score two.
The ARA, 20/06/02
The main ARA website has had an overhaul.
Another One Bites the Dust, 15/06/02
Cygnet Angus Pendrich married Miss Diana Ward on Saturday June 15, in Tattenhall, near Wolverhampton. Several members of Cygnet and BBLRC hurtled up the M40 in classic Four Weddings (f*****y f**k) fashion, only just managing to get there in time [for a pint before proceedings kicked off - ed.]. Unbelievably, no-one got a speeding ticket. Everything went smoothly and Angus remembered his lines, although Diana gave way to helpless giggles at the "With my body I thee honour" stage - understandable enough. Tanith Caton (BBLRC all-in bouquet wrestling champion)) "caught" the flowers - nobody else really stood a chance.
Oh Lordy, 09/06/02
It's already time to think about the Cygnet RC end-of-season piss-u...erm...formal dinner, so put the evening of Friday 20th September into your diary NOW. This year it's being held at the historic Lansdowne Club. More information than you really need can be found here but for those that can't be arsed, here's a summary of the key points:
There will (of course) be a pre-prandial Waddle. Watch this...hic; burp; fart...space.
Arabian Nights, 08/06/02
About 75 members of Cygnet RC, BBLRC and their guests attended an "Arabian
Nights" party held at the boathouse on Saturday, May 25. The party-goers
arrived in fancy dress as camel-drivers, bedouins, belly-dancers, Mata Haris
and Lawrences of Arabia. One Cygnet donned a military uniform, on the rather
tentative basis that he was a middle Eastern dictator.
The main attraction of the party [after the cleavages - ed.] was a mechanical fairground "bucking
camel" (like the more traditional bucking bronco, only with humps), upon which all
took great delight in trying to remain seated while it span and (we) heaved.
Halfway through the evening a Camel Challenge competition was held, with
prizes awarded for length of ride, finesse, technique, and dismount
(the latter usually involuntary).
A feast of authentic middle Eastern dishes and snacks was laid on,
including tagines, couscous, tabbouleh and "sheep's eyes" (actually lychees
and currants).
The glitterati included past and present Cygnet captains Alan Cox and Marjorie attended, as did their BBLRC counterparts, Ruth Wilson and Theresa Salter.
As well as raising funds, the party was intended to provide the many Cygnet
newcomers a chance to meet and mingle with senior [yeah right - ed.] oarsmen from their
own club and [possibly seduce - ed.] members of BBLRC; and also to maintain and improve
relations generally between the two clubs.
A few firsts and noteworthy events occured during the
evening. There is a faint possibility that the below are not absolute
firsts but history does not record, nor living memory recall,
the events happening before. So, for "probably" the first time:
Interesting facts:
Appalling instance of un-oarsmanly and oikish behaviour:
Acknowledgements: [I would also like to thank God and my Mother - ed.]
They're Not Toys You Know, 26/05/02
It has come to the editors attention that a pissed erg test was undertaken at 23:30 on Saturday 25th in the vicinity of the Cygnet (mens) changing rooms. I'm sure Dr. Neil Jackson Ph.D. S.A.F.E.T.Y would agree that this king of behaviour is not only immature, but also distinctly unsafe as the likelihood of drowning in your own vomit would seem rather high.
Anyway, the test took the form of a 30-second challenge. That is, how many metres can be rowed by the inebriated oarsman in that time. The results are as follows...
Nasty Nasty Erg Tests, 25/05/02
Don't they come around again quickly? Anyway, here are the results.
The next test will be scheduled for the end of June. Train hard!
Bored, 23/05/02
Bored at work? Got an hour to kill? Here you are then.
Breasts - Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, 23/05/02
Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but by my reckoning there are at least 60 pairs of breasts "available" for viewing within BBLRC.
Assuming a standard deviation curve for size, half of these (30 pairs) will be larger than the average. As the article does specify "busty beauties" we will concentrate on these alone. According to rigorous caculation [done twice - ed.] if all of these breasts were stared at by Cygnet oarsmen for just 10 minutes a day, we'd all live to see our 312th birthday (conservatively). Oarsmen also witnessing the Peterborough naked eights might do considerably better.
Apparently the same remarkable age gains can be experienced by women who perform oral sex for at least 20 minutes a day. There's "no evidence for it, but it is scientific fact".
Horrible Horrible Erg Tests, 23/05/02
Blimey, Cygnet RC felt (almost) like a proper rowing club.
To try and instill the idea that rowing competitively is not about turning up when you feel like it and going out when the weathers nice to admire the parakeets along the Kew bankside, the captaincy has instigated monthly 2k erg tests to help everybody measure their fitness and give all an idea of what pulling hard really means to muscles and lungs. There's a reason why Pinsent has the largest lung capacity ever measured in the UK and Cracknell can pull a sub 1:30 split for 5,000 metres. In a lot of cases it's also linked to why crews which look absolutely shite from the bank often end up beating much tidier Cygnet crews. It's because they work on their fitness as well as their technique.
The tests commenced at 09:00 sharp on Saturday the 27th April and you could cut the tension with a knife. Notable amongst those taking part were...
To all of you who took part, well done, I [whoever I am - ed.] know how horrible they are. AND REMEMBER - there's always next month (or the slight twinge in the back excuse).
Notable absentees included: Marj and Kate (no reason the coxes can't compete); Steve Dargan (surely the fittest man in the club shouldn't be afraid); Dave Grim Grimshaw (so sad after all that 5k work done for the HoRR); Nick Wylie (if they're all 15 seconds too slow then you come and do one); Mark Wilson (shagging); Marc Baldwin (shagging); Rob Nieverson (shagging); Pete Leffler (almost married).
Pissed Novices, 14/05/02
...AND there was almost run on the boat. Gruesome twosome Chris Davidson and
Neil Pickford joined newcomer Eric Irvine (who has done some university
rowing) and old novice hand Greg Davis-Cook for a lovely outing on Sunday
morning. Kate coxed. Going upstream, grey and choppy
waters gradually smoothed into mirrorlike calm, allowing the crew to
practise racing starts, before bombing hectically back downstream in one
piece from the petrol pumps to the boathouse. A small crab and shrimp were
caught and flung disdainfully from the boat, but otherwise the seafood quota
was negligible. It wasn't the most finessed boat ever, but it was balanced
(no, really!) and it certainly moved. For her part, Kate successfully navigated
the new turning point before Chiswick Bridge and, despite the unaccustomed
speed, managed to steer it back through a VERY low tide without beaching
or banging anything.
Lessons learnt: future/other coxes or crews might be interested in the Quiet
Boat game. This exercise has the advantage that, when using it, novice
rowers get a surprising number of things right simultaneously and
instinctively, rather than by having consciously to remember every single
technique point. The idea is that you are in a spy boat, approaching an
enemy coastline, under cover of darkness and as little noise as possible.
Therefore: one splash only, as all blades hit the water in perfect unison.
All spoons airborne when they should be (no noisy splattering along the
surface of the water). Perfect balance, to get all spoons airborne. Silken
catches. No lunging, digging or tugging. Calm and control at all times.
Whisper whisper whisper. It seems just as effective as, and makes a pleasant
change from, the usual endless stroke-building. In this outing, the crew
used Quiet Boat, single strokes and pair rowing to achieve a balanced boat
almost from the start which was excellent, for a scratchy novice crew.
[The Quiet Boat Game sounds remarkably like one of Kate's sexual fantasies, don't you think? - ed.]
Afterwards, a happy gathering was held in Ye White Hart (Mortlake) for the
traditional novice post-row sesh. Old boys John Bull and Mike
Arnold-Gilliat, along with chairman Nick Wylie, dropped the young
whippersnappers pearls of wisdom between generous rounds of drinks. Past and
present captains Alan Cox and Marj Israel outlined future plans: all novices
are to train as coxes, and another erg (rowing machine) test is to be held
in two or three weeks time. Lunchtime progressed into afternoon and a nameless
novice challenged Mr Wylie's crew to a race. Wylie kindly ignored this
unseemly and, one might say, suicidal suggestion. Afternoon merged
seamlessly with evening as the oldsters departed, singing was commenced;
Ronan Keating's "Life is a rollercoaster, baby" bore the brunt of the
attack. Wild plans were formulated for dream teams and recordbreaking erg
times and so on (or perhaps they werenıt so wild?). All good motivational
stuff, anyway, right up to the point when Greg reappeared just before
closing time, with wife Danielle, and asked in disbelieving tones: "and
you've JUST spent the whole day in here?" Well, but it was a Team
Experience, a Very Good Thing and surely in keeping with the Cygnet RC Ethos.
Leffler's Stag, 07/05/02
Well, we all went clay pigeon shooting in Darkest Essex to the "Essex Shooting Ground". This seems to be where the local villains come with their pump-action, sawn-off shotguns to shoot seven shades of shit out of innocent little bank clerks...no...erm...clays..yes that's right, clays.
After much hilarity, joshing and waving of weaponry, the final standings were as follows...
Out of 30 shots: Sean 19 (done it before - boo); Steve 16 (Scouser, won the 2nd place shoot-off); Dan 16 (dark horse); Leffler 14 (very nervous); Damo 13 (too nice); Jim 12 (best man so had to finish behind Leffler); Medium Mike 10 (rubbish); Grim 6 (really very rubbish indeed).
A quick pootle back to Mortlake and several beers later we found ourselves in the glamourous surroundings of the Charlie Butler for pre-prandial drinks. After a dodgy Mexican we were suddenly all in Piccadilly soaking up the atmosphere in a quality wine bar before repairing to a small establishment containing "single" ladies. Nothing Happened.
Your gallant correspondent lost the plot at about 01:00 as he had his head down a loo (white) and then got a taxi (black) in search of a shag (pink). He didn't find one.
Apparently everyone got home safely. Just to reitterate, Nothing Happened.
You Need Hands, 14/04/02
How can I row better and get myself a place in the Australian squad for the Commonwealth Games? You could start by reading this [a sub-six minute 2k erg might be useful too - ed.].
The Boat Race (if you've nothing better to do), 03/04/02
On TV...oops, but it appears to be last year's race.
Things Novo's Should Know, 03/04/02
Easter Novice News, 03/04/02
Two novice fours ploughed industriously up and down the Thames over Easter. They featured new bugs Neil Pickford and Chris Davidson (Soup Wizard), along with Mascha BBLRC, Greg Davis-Cook, Iain Houston, Dave Gavaghan and the the most experienced novice on the Tideway (name withheld). Kate coxed both outings. Impressively, Neil Jackson only found 24 things each to coach (criticise) the two new chaps on, but 28 things for the more experienced rowers.
High points included the Sun, herons, Dave Gava's "Nature Talk" (that's a Greater Crested Grebe, dontchyaknow), a musclebound jogger much appreciated by Mascha and Kate and, on the Monday, a lovely trawl up to the pink house in glittering waters and sculler free streams, followed by two savage pieces, of pleasingly cardiovascular quality, back to the boathouse.
After the doldrums of last year, Cygnet RC is at last attracting a fresh intake of members. The "new" novice squad comprises Greg, Iain H, Richard P, Tony Chapman, Nick West, Philip Lloyd, Chris Davidson, and hopefully Neil Pickford, plus old-timers Gav and Collier. Another new novice is Nathan Wallace, an Antipodean who isn't, as he has done something impressive in the world of rowing down under - we're just not sure what, but it did sound impressive.
Both outings were followed by the traditional novice bonding sesh. On the Friday this took the form of an attack on the Pampas Monster - now tamed - in the boathouse garden. Greg proved his manliness by swinging an axe around and creating two bonfires' worth of wood shavings, bamboo poles and straw for Chris and Kate to carry to the other end of the lawn. Incidentally, Chris and Greg are both Australian, which apparently makes them experts on Pampas grass (see Bunker, beneath).
Pampas grass (in Australia) is regarded as a sort of inactive triffid, so to anyone who is worried, they say - fear not, although the plant may look ravaged at the moment, it will spring back with a snarl and a light showering of irritant dust and razor-edged fronds within the next fortnight.
Monday's wind-down, in contrast, took the more familiar shape of a solid seven hour quality team-bonding exercise in Ye White Hart, in the charming company of BBLRC's Brita Chapman. The "discourse" ranged freely: the webmaster, being used, in his own words, to drinking mineral water and slagging off the rest of the crew particularly enjoyed Dave Gava's analysis of modern mathematical theorems (with reference to Euclidian curves); a little light film criticism; and an insightful discussion into modern arts and literature. As the levels in the beer glasses fell, however, the rich conversational fields of personal criticism, flirting (covert and blatant), and opinions of why people were or should be single, were opened up. Brita and Kate were last seen heading for the bright lights of Pizza Express (Barnes), Chris was spotted looking stunned at Barnes Bridge bus-stop, and Iain, although quite clear that he did arrive home that night, has no memory of how this was achieved. Mike wasn't spotted at all.
Another triumph.
Obsession, 02/04/02
Don't stop thinking about your sport, even if you're in the office (although their timing's not great). These are pretty funny too (if you like that kind of thing) cox; schedule; inequality. These will shatter your illusions and make you realise that BBLRC ladies are actually rather sexy. This is great (particularly when hummed whilst viewing our HoRR photos).
Rubbish, 16/03/02
Received by your editor today...
Bunker, 16/03/02
The large brick structure at the bottom of the stairs to the boathouse is not (as many people think) new, but has been revealed by some overzealous gardening organised by some kind of dubiously qualified Barnes Bridge Lady. As a Kew employee, specialising in all things tropical, she has taken the rather alarming approach of pulling up anything that she doesn't recognise on the assumption that it's a weed. Unfortunately this has meant that several plants with decades of growth have been ripped unceremoniously from their beds. She has now elicited the help of several other members, who can be found sweating profusely amongst the (rapidly disappearing) foliage. Do not approach them.
2,405 Women (approximately) Don't Give Good Head, 09/03/02
Unfortunately the 2002 WEHoRR was cancelled at midday by the PLA (shouldn't they be fighting the Israelies) and the RNLI, so a lot of very fit and frustrated females were to be found wandering disconsolately around the hard. Fortunately Richard Palin was on hand to lend moral support. Unfortunately he picked a couple of Amazons - who roasted him.
According to Heart 106.2 the horniest crews (briefly) on the river were from Furnivall, but we think the BBLRC and Grosvenor women were a VERY close second. In terms of the Marshalls and Officials there was a rather dashing chap timing the start (with own chair), but he didn't stay around long enough for anyone to find out who he was.
The usual suspects hung around the club bar for too long, with most of the men hoping wistfully that the following day's Hammersmith Head might also be called off. Fat chance.
Slacker, 25/02/02
What a slack bunch your blog team have been this new year. With exactly two months since the last entry it's high time that a few notes were written on what exactly has been going on down at "that" boathouse.
Paunch, 25/02/02
The rowers returned after Xmas sporting tales of five mile runs on Christmas morning which didn't really tally with the obvious paunches which had been acquired over the break. Still, new year, new resolutions (same old faces). Apparently the thing to do over the winter is lots of low-rate, steady-state work as that really grooves in all those old rowing faults for the regatta season. Many of the top [only - ed.] eight have now perfected leaning away from their rigger, squaring late, feathering with their outside hand and the old "Redgrave" catch-with-your-arms chestnut. Henley surely beckons.
Gaffer, 25/02/02
In preperation for the HoRR night outings have been commenced to give us all a better chance of catching pneumonia. Nobody's too sure what the lighting requirements are for these outings, but your editor is almost certain that two mini mag-lites gaffer taped to either end of the boat (with failing batteries) don't meet 'em. By the way, that reminds me of a great joke. (Q) Why is gaffer tape like The Force? (A) It has a light side, it has a dark side and it holds the universe together. Oh how we laughed.
Arrogance, 25/02/02
"Blimey, I've never seen them go so fast" - overheard coming from the Thames Tradesmen RC bar as the best (go with me on this) Cygnet eight in some years drifted past at an easy. Jealousy?
Desperate, 25/02/02
Is Medium Mike the most generous and helpful member of Cygnet RC ever, or does he see a half chance of staring at girls arses all trussed up in lycra as they sensuously lower their boats into the water across his...erm...the hard? You decide...
So far there has been no response...
Chris Davidson, Iain Houston and Neil Pickford acted as impromptu
camel-handlers and hacked three enormous joints of lamb into manageable
bits - Iain also donated vast quantities of herbs; Dave Grimshaw, Ian
Stevenson and Greg Davis-Cook bartended; Damo Cooke was generally useful and
Richard Palin, Angus Pendrich and Kevin Sussex donated food. Brita Chapman,
an ex-BBLRC member, also very kindly donated extremely delicious tabbouleh.
To all of these go special thanks. Thanks also to everyone who turned up and
especially to those who brought friends (almost everyone brought at least
one guest, which was great): Simon Blackburn, Gavin Bottomley, Mike Collier,
Alan Cox, Marjorie, Simon Keating (who used to be a Cygnet), Steve
Keating (and his hairy little friend), Kevin Keogh, Steve Mathews (who also used to be a Cygnet and may be returning to us) and Nathan Wallace.
Dear Webmaster,
This note is to inform you that Ian will not be able to row
this morning because he is very tired. While I realise
that today was your last training session before an important
race, I hope that you will appreciate that, as his mother,
I know what's best for my little snuggles.
Yours faithfully, Mrs. Stephenson (Geordie's Mum).
To: T Salter (BBLRC Captain)
T Lowles (BBLRC Deputy Captain)
S Gardiner (BBLRC Vice Captain)
R Wilson (BBLRC Novice Captain)
A Elliot (A Sensible BBLRC Person)
Dear Senior BBLRC Lady,
This email is official notice of my request for the job of
Boating Coordinator for the WEHoRR on 09/03/02.
I feel I am particularly suitable for the job because...
(a) I have easy access to a very large Cygnet megaphone.
(b) I possess some quite warm clothing.
(c) My genial good humour will ensure that everyone will be
happy on our hard.
(d) I know the way down to the river from the boathouse
quite well.
(e) I am very single-minded, so the sight of 8 pert little
bottoms lowering a boat into the water will not distract
me from the task in...erm...hand.
(f) I am willing to do the job at cost.
(g) I am a webmaster.
I look forward to your response with eager anticipation.
w/Rgds, Mike.
ps. I will also sell cakes as I understand the view is almost as good.